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I wish I had stuck with my idea of giving up chocolate for Lent; it would be a lot less challenging than my decision to give up giving advice.   While I’m not Catholic, I have always given up something for the 40 days between Ash Wednesday and Easter.  Usually I pick simple bad habits like swearing, or unhealthy addictions like chocolate.  However, this year I focused on a personality trait that had gotten me into a bit of trouble lately.

Unsolicited advice

A few days before Ash Wednesday, my partner Tonya and I were discussing a potential opportunity for her to expand her business.  She expressed a concern about finding additional employees and I started to give her suggestions on how she could attract the right people.  She was not appreciative.  Thing was, Tonya just wanted to vent.  She hadn’t asked me for advice on what to do; she had some ideas for that already.  All she wanted was a forum to express her fears and her concerns.  She explained that, rather than being helpful, my suggestions made her feel like I didn’t trust her judgment.  I heard her frustration.  But I wasn’t suggesting these things because I didn’t believe in her.  I was doing it because I cared and wanted to help.  So, I didn’t stop and she got up and walked away.  Things then got even more heated when I continued to impart my wisdom when she returned.  It was clear we did not see my advice giving the same way.

This was not the first time Tonya had pointed out that I do this.  Over the years, she has mentioned it more times than should have been necessary.  Giving it up for six weeks seemed like a good opportunity for me to take a step back and look at my behavior a bit more objectively and possibly bring some peace to the household.  I didn’t realize how hard and humbling that commitment would be.  I knew I gave Tonya unsolicited advice, but until I tried to stop, I didn’t realize how much I actually gave it to a lot of other people.  And how negative it really can be.

Last weekend I broke my pledge and almost broke a friend’s spirit.  Sarah was at the house talking about how she was frustrated with the growth of her career.  It was hard for her to build a new clientele since she had moved but she was optimistic and had some ideas.  Forgetting to just encourage her and ask about her plans, I jumped in and gave her a laundry list of things she could do; mailings, promotions, advertising.  I pontificated, pronounced and proffered my opinion for an hour.  She thanked me but left appearing discouraged and down trodden.  When I asked her about it later, Sarah told me that my recommendations didn’t leave her any room to voice and develop her own thoughts or plans – ones she had been excited about and felt fit her personality better.

Then I watched someone else do it.  A few days ago Tonya and I were out to dinner with my Mom and stepfather.  Tonya’s business opportunity came up.  Being aware of the need to tailor my compulsion, I was extremely sensitive when my parents began to give Tonya their own unsolicited advice.  Rather than just listening and asking questions, they jumped in with their opinions on the right and wrong way for her to move forward.  It was a real wakeup call.  My parents were doing exactly what I do.  I knew it was coming from a place of love and concern, but the unasked for advice wasn’t helping; it did feel like they doubted her abilities.  It unintentionally put Tonya on the defensive.  I couldn’t pretend I didn’t see it.  Their advice had the opposite effect of what they meant it to do.

So I have decided to try to give up giving unsolicited advice permanently.  It’s definitely not going to be easy, I am having withdrawals already.  However, I take comfort in knowing that I can still give advice to those that ask for it.  Anyone??

 

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According to dictionary.com, an opinion is “a belief or judgment that falls short of absolute conviction, certainty, or positive knowledge; it is a conclusion that certain facts, ideas, etc., are probably true or likely to prove so.”

However, opinionated has a very different definition: “obstinate or conceited with regard to the merit of one’s own opinion; conceitedly dogmatic… asserting opinions in a doctrinaire or arrogant manner.”

Ultimately, whether or not you are viewed as expressing a valuable opinion or being opinionated comes down to delivery. The same statement, expressed differently, can establish you as knowledgeable or obnoxious. I sat in meeting not too long ago where a woman, a new employee to the company, was asked to offer her insights on a proposal from an outside service. This proposal was in the area of her expertise and it was well within the manager’s right to assume that the woman’s opinion would be very valuable. To her disadvantage, the new employee had not really had any time to review the proposal. However, rather than taking a step back and creating credibility with an objective analysis such as “I think we should look into the company’s methodology a bit further as I am not sure that they can achieve the results they are promising,” she took a hard stance and claimed “the company is totally bogus; they are full of it and could never achieve those results.”

Both statements ultimately carry the same message, but the first one would have provided her with a level of credibility that would have empowered her to establish the value of her opinion. The statement she made, however, left no room for a real evaluation of the proposal; she expected everyone in the room to just accept her statement carte blanche and eliminated any opportunity to demonstrate an educated expertise.

Now admittedly, this is a huge pet peeve of mine so I have an extremely low threshold for people who speak in generalities. But in this situation, I was not the only one who found it ineffective. It was clear the manager did not find her contribution very helpful as he suggested she take a bit more time to look at the proposal and get back to him with her specific concerns.

There is nothing wrong with having an opinion; most employees are hired for the way they think. Friends and family are respected for the advice and insights they bring to our lives. However, in our effort to make decisions quickly or to appear knowledgeable, we often resort to personal judgments expressed as facts; we resort to gross generalities delivered with conviction.

Using an opinionated statement works to shut down a conversation, making it extremely difficult to garner meaningful information. While the opinion expressed may be true, the way it is delivered does nothing to establish any level of factual knowledge. It can result in a perception of tyranny if you have the power over others in the conversation – reducing them to silent pawns, afraid or unmotivated to express a dissenting view. Or, if power is equal or reversed, the conversation can become confrontational or your contribution is discounted.

When offering or asked for your opinion, think twice about the way you put it forth. Respect that an opinion is not a fact or a proven statement, but is a reflection of your personal thoughts and ideas. Be aware that there is a fine line between your opinions establishing you as either informed or irritating.