To the bum asking me if I could spare any change: Really, really? Why should I give you my money? How do I know you don’t make $60k a year begging? You get to set your own hours, you don’t sit behind a desk everyday staring at a computer screen, you don’t agonize over your taxes every April. How do I know you are not just going to drink it? Hell give me back my money, I’m going to drink it!

On my next resume cover letter: I am the best goddamn thing that is ever going to happen to you. If you hire me and get out of my way I can make you incredibly successful. So give me the job, let me set my own hours, pay me good money, tell me how great I am now and then and I will kick ass!!

To the woman at the grocery store: Being pretty does not actually take a lot of effort or money, you just have to care. And a smile makes every face beautiful.

On Facebook: Seriously, you just posted 6 things in one day; do you have an actual life? And re-posting someone else’s poem, saying, photo only proves to me that you have even less of a life because you borrowed it from someone else.

To the cashier at the lunch place: I think that what I want to order should be more important to you right now than telling your co-worker what you did last night. My buying something from you is why you have a job. You are here to make this experience meaningful and fun for me so that I want to come back again and again so then you will get a raise and save some money. Then you will be able to afford to do something other than watch TV while eating macaroni and cheese and tweeting comments about how lame the show was with all your friends for “like six hours.”

To the person reading their emails while they walk down the street: Did you know it was a beautiful day out, do you see how beautifully the sun reflects off the leaves of that tree? Wow, you have pretty eyes.

To my loved ones no longer here: I love you, see you tomorrow.